Simply Running Through My Mind


It's official.  I am that person.

Wanting to run and not look back.  Running from the negative thoughts.  Pushing past my fears.  Pushing past the voices.

You're too thin.

You're not big enough.

Your breasts.

Your stomach.

Your butt.

Your hair.

Your clothes.

Your everything.

They like her better than you.

She's smarter than you are.

He'd have more fun with someone else.

They prefer a different mom.

You suck as a mom.

You're not as good as you think you are.

Running from the negative thoughts.

How can I break free?  What do I need to do?  What is the point? 

I hate who I have become.  How do I help my children fight insecurities?  How does anyone fight insecurities?  They cover me.  They envelope me.  They fight to squelch my breath.  I cannot breathe.  I feel heavy.  The burden is too heavy. 

Will I ever be enough?  No. 

How.

Stop it.  STOP IT.  STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Recoiling into a fetal position.  Not wanting to look out.  You don't see me.  I don't see you. 

Run...fly...drag...fall...heavy.  Lifeless.  Where is the sun?  Where is the Son?  Where?

Is it in here?  Is He in here?  Who is in here?  Not me.  Not her.  Not that person.  Yes, that person.

I am trying to swim...something is grabbing my arm.  Something is grabbing my leg.  What is it?  What could it be?  It is grabbing my neck.  It is the past...The dark, ugly past.  Threatening to pull me down into an abyss.  I fight...I kick...I writhe...I scream.   Help.  Stop...now.  Swallowing water.  Swallowing death...I can't.

What is love?  Do I love me.  Can I love me?  Am I lovable?  There is fire...it is dull. 

The sum total of my life. 

Achieving...trying to succeed.  Attempting to reach an unattainable goal.  It is too high.  Out of reach.  Running.  Perfection.  Imperfection.  I hate.  I loathe.  I detest.  I despise.  Disgust.  Anger.  Frustration.  Hurt.  Pain.  Cry...cry...cry....

He loves me.  He loves me not.  He loves me.  H e l o v e s m e ...n .........

When?  I want to be free.  I want to shine.  I want to be ok in my own skin.  Why?

Tears...crying...cleansing...exploding.  Screaming.  Shouting.  Running.  Fighting.  Jumping.   Bleeding...hurting...still hurting.  Healing sometimes...hurting me.  Hurting others.  H U R T.  Hiding Under Rough Times.

No.

Not.

Never.

Maybe.

Possibly.

Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Forever.  Eternity.  Infinity.  Indefinitely.  Infidelity.  Future.

Growth hurts.  Pain. 

Forgiven.  Grace.  Mercy. 

Never mind.

I tried.

We tried.

They tried.

They cried.

Reality equals perception equals deception equals anxiety.  What is truth?  Actions equal truth.  Actions equal truth. 

I have it all.  I have never.  I have always.  I have.  I have.

What next?

Me.  You.  Us.  Them.  Him.


Negative self-talk can be debilitating.  It is draining and unproductive.  It is important to replace each negative thought with two positive thoughts.  One of my favorite scriptures on which I meditate during times of despair is Philippians 4:8;


"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."


Our experiences shape our perceptions.  Our beliefs impact our reactions.  Being connected to the right people is key.  They can uplift us when we are down and when everything seems bleak.  More importantly, being connected to a higher purpose is essential.  It is absolutely ok to feel despair, hurt and anger at times.  Life warrants these feelings.  If you experience these feelings regularly, however, I encourage the assistance of professional help.  Our mental health is important and should be taken seriously.  Know your worth and your value.  Your future depends on it.


Shatanese Reese is a freelance blogger who lives in Atlanta, GA with her husband and their six children.  Shatanese enjoys walks on the beach and color-rich sunrises.  Her goal is to find inspiration in the every day happenings of life. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Son, The Marine

Image
In just a few days my son will leave the comfort of our home to travel to Parris Island, South Carolina.  This is not a vacation adventure.  No, the trip is for basic training...to become a Marine. I fully support his decision to serve our country and have known for several months that this day would come.  So why do I have a lump in my throat and feel churning in the pit of my stomach? Recently, I was listening to National Public Radio (NPR) and the featured story of the hour was the involvement of the United States Marines Corps in World War I.  The Battle of Belleau Wood was cited as "one of the bloodiest and most ferocious battles U.S. forces would fight in the war."  This historic battle, which occurred near the Marne River in France, is where our soldiers received the nick name, "Devil Dogs."  This term of endearment was a result of the soldiers' diligence, ferociousness, sacrifice and valor exhibited during the battle. To hear the full story, visit:
Read more

Puzzle Pieces, A Lesson For Marriages

Image
My Sister in Christ, the beautiful Nakita Williams, facilitated an exercise a few weeks ago during We Honor Marriage at Word of Faith Family Worship Cathedral.   I am still thinking about the insights gained during our time together. She divided the class into four groups and gave each group a puzzle.   She told us to work together as a group and assemble the puzzles that were inside each box as quickly as we could.   We only had a few minutes to assemble our puzzles. In our group, we strategically began tackling the sides.   I immediately could tell we did not have all the pieces we needed to complete our puzzle and I said to the group, “We are missing some pieces.”   Everyone looked at the image on the box and assessed all of our pieces.   We kept working.   All the while, Nakita was walking around and calling out the remaining time.   We could hear at least one group cheering as they were nearing the end of their assembled puzzle.   The pressure was on!
Read more

Entertaining Angels

Image
As the last day of 2019 drew to an end, a recent experience placed me in a self-reflective state. While in Iowa to celebrate our daughter’s graduation from Iowa State, I rose early and headed to the hotel lobby to take care of a few business-related tasks. I immediately saw my cousin, who had traveled to Iowa as well for the celebration, enjoying a bite to eat and I chose a seat across from her at a table not far from the breakfast area.   A gentleman at a nearby table turned around to chat with us. He shared he was there for his granddaughter’s graduation and that he was retired. We all continued to chit chat for a few more moments until my cousin politely excused herself from the table to return to her hotel room and prepare for departure. Now with my cousin gone, I expected the friendly stranger to return to his cup of coffee at his own table. Nope. Much to my chagrin, he continued to chat with me. Remember, I was supposed to be taking care of some work-related tasks
Read more