Simply Running Through My Mind


It's official.  I am that person.

Wanting to run and not look back.  Running from the negative thoughts.  Pushing past my fears.  Pushing past the voices.

You're too thin.

You're not big enough.

Your breasts.

Your stomach.

Your butt.

Your hair.

Your clothes.

Your everything.

They like her better than you.

She's smarter than you are.

He'd have more fun with someone else.

They prefer a different mom.

You suck as a mom.

You're not as good as you think you are.

Running from the negative thoughts.

How can I break free?  What do I need to do?  What is the point? 

I hate who I have become.  How do I help my children fight insecurities?  How does anyone fight insecurities?  They cover me.  They envelope me.  They fight to squelch my breath.  I cannot breathe.  I feel heavy.  The burden is too heavy. 

Will I ever be enough?  No. 

How.

Stop it.  STOP IT.  STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Recoiling into a fetal position.  Not wanting to look out.  You don't see me.  I don't see you. 

Run...fly...drag...fall...heavy.  Lifeless.  Where is the sun?  Where is the Son?  Where?

Is it in here?  Is He in here?  Who is in here?  Not me.  Not her.  Not that person.  Yes, that person.

I am trying to swim...something is grabbing my arm.  Something is grabbing my leg.  What is it?  What could it be?  It is grabbing my neck.  It is the past...The dark, ugly past.  Threatening to pull me down into an abyss.  I fight...I kick...I writhe...I scream.   Help.  Stop...now.  Swallowing water.  Swallowing death...I can't.

What is love?  Do I love me.  Can I love me?  Am I lovable?  There is fire...it is dull. 

The sum total of my life. 

Achieving...trying to succeed.  Attempting to reach an unattainable goal.  It is too high.  Out of reach.  Running.  Perfection.  Imperfection.  I hate.  I loathe.  I detest.  I despise.  Disgust.  Anger.  Frustration.  Hurt.  Pain.  Cry...cry...cry....

He loves me.  He loves me not.  He loves me.  H e l o v e s m e ...n .........

When?  I want to be free.  I want to shine.  I want to be ok in my own skin.  Why?

Tears...crying...cleansing...exploding.  Screaming.  Shouting.  Running.  Fighting.  Jumping.   Bleeding...hurting...still hurting.  Healing sometimes...hurting me.  Hurting others.  H U R T.  Hiding Under Rough Times.

No.

Not.

Never.

Maybe.

Possibly.

Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Forever.  Eternity.  Infinity.  Indefinitely.  Infidelity.  Future.

Growth hurts.  Pain. 

Forgiven.  Grace.  Mercy. 

Never mind.

I tried.

We tried.

They tried.

They cried.

Reality equals perception equals deception equals anxiety.  What is truth?  Actions equal truth.  Actions equal truth. 

I have it all.  I have never.  I have always.  I have.  I have.

What next?

Me.  You.  Us.  Them.  Him.


Negative self-talk can be debilitating.  It is draining and unproductive.  It is important to replace each negative thought with two positive thoughts.  One of my favorite scriptures on which I meditate during times of despair is Philippians 4:8;


"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."


Our experiences shape our perceptions.  Our beliefs impact our reactions.  Being connected to the right people is key.  They can uplift us when we are down and when everything seems bleak.  More importantly, being connected to a higher purpose is essential.  It is absolutely ok to feel despair, hurt and anger at times.  Life warrants these feelings.  If you experience these feelings regularly, however, I encourage the assistance of professional help.  Our mental health is important and should be taken seriously.  Know your worth and your value.  Your future depends on it.


Shatanese Reese is a freelance blogger who lives in Atlanta, GA with her husband and their six children.  Shatanese enjoys walks on the beach and color-rich sunrises.  Her goal is to find inspiration in the every day happenings of life. 



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