Angel Babies-A Lesson in Healing

"I am sorry, Mrs. Reese.  The pregnancy is no longer viable."  Tears welled up in my eyes as the doctor continued with the final details of the visit.  I could not hear much of what was being said as I focused on the sense of loss I felt.  My body felt heavy and my spirit was grieved. 


The appointment eventually concluded and I made my way to the elevator.  The doors closed and finally, I was alone.  Alone with my thoughts, fears, disappointment and sadness.  I became painfully aware that I was physically alone as well.  The small being who had been growing inside of me for the past several weeks was no longer there.  Gone...never to be held in my arms. 


Suddenly, the elevator door opened and in walked a very pregnant woman.  I quickly looked at the floor, fighting back fresh tears.  As I exited the elevator, I could no longer hold back the flood of tears that had been threatening to overtake me.  With my vision blurred, I clumsily made my way to my car and slid in behind the steering wheel.  I buried my face in my hands and let the tears flow freely, filling the car with the sounds of my weeping. 


Anger entered my consciousness.  Why God?  Why?  What had I done to warrant this experience?  What had caused my body to reject the life that had been allowed to begin?  Why?  Do you not love me? 


The sense of emptiness I felt continued to grow and the weight of my grief became heavier, unbearable.  I decided to make my way home. 


I am not certain how I drove the distance to our house as I do not remember the trip at all.  Once I entered our home, I left everything I had in my hands by the door and slipped off my shoes.  The top of the stairs appeared far off in the distance but I knew my solace was near.  I slowly climbed the stairs to our bedroom, dragging my feet the entire way. I finally reached the landing and crawled into our bed, fully clothed.  I curled into a ball and attempted to shut out the world.  I attempted to shut out the emotional and physical pain I was now fully feeling.

I have experienced a total of four miscarriages in my life, each heavy-laden with its own process of grief.  I say they are my four Angel Babies.  Many might say that a miscarriage during the first trimester is not as devastating as one during a later trimester or even after birth.  I say that a loss is a loss. 

I believe there are two processes that occur during such a loss:  the physical healing of the body and the emotional healing of the mind.  Will it happen again?  What can I do to avoid it?  Should we even try again?  I suppose one could also include the healing of the spirit, a sort of reconciliation with God.

I have had numerous conversations with God, at various stages of my pregnancies. After the second miscarriage, there were times shortly after learning I was expecting when I would pray fervently prior to taking a trip to the rest room.  "Lord, please do not let me see anything on this toilet paper after I wipe.  Please, Lord.  Please."  "Lord, please make this cramping feeling go away as I do not know if I can handle another loss."  Anger-focused questions also bounced around in my head.  "Father, if it is not your will for me to carry this child full-term, then why did you allow me to become pregnant in the first place?" 

Ultimately, I found verses in the Bible for focus and told myself that God knows best.  Some might wonder why I would allow myself to become pregnant again, and again...and again.  I firmly believed God had a plan for my life and for the pain I had experienced with each loss.  I believed and still believe that I was not being punished for some past sin.  I imagine that some day when I am in heaven, I will hear four voices which will say, "Hi Mommy.  We've missed you."  Until that day, I choose to focus on healing and the blessings I presently have in my life.

Shatanese Reese is a freelance blogger who lives in Atlanta, GA with her husband and their six children.  Shatanese enjoys walks on the beach and color-rich sunrises.  Her goal is to find inspiration in the every day happenings of life. 

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